I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
