Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
