I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
