it was like eating out sand paper
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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