i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I skipped work to stalk him.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
