im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
