Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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