Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
