i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
