who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
