My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
