my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
thus making me awesome and them whores
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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