Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
