I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
