I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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