i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
