my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
