she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize