her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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