She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
