You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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