Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
