I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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