how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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