walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
