textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
