it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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