my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
