Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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