I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
