toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
