so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So. Much. Porn.
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