A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
