i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
