After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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