Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
