we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
