If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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