If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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