I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i came on her dog
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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