I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
