the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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