I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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