Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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