Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
