I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
