look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
