It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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