dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
