he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
