If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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