Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
