I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize