the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
