For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
