I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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