We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
