It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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