not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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