Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
