I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
